Hello, My name is Lindsey... and I have issues. lol...
Seriously though...
A huge part of military life is the social occasions. I love my life and I wouldn't trade it for a second... But in a world where friendships and alliances are formed and forged at lightning speed (Because, well, you have to. Who knows how long you'll be here?!) I feel I'm at a distinct disadvantage. Perhaps even more so now when my husband (read: security blanket) is so far away. When your one steadfast anchor to the real world is suddenly missing, whats a girl to do?
There's a lot of things people don't talk about. It just seems to be a general societal rule that when one is "different" one doesn't point out these differences to the masses. I have, however, reached the point where I don't feel like I really have a choice. I mean, I do. You always do. But choosing to isolate myself further doesn't seem like the smartest choice to me. And so, I've got a confession of sorts. For the people that don't really know me, or I have only met in passing- perhaps this will afford you some insight. And even people that do know me may not necessarily know all the details.
Social anxiety. Its a real thing, guys. And I've got it. I feel ridiculously nervous in social situations. Meeting new people. Large crowds. Not my cup of tea. And in this life, this military life, this transient ever-changing life... you meet a lot of new people. A. Lot. And there are unavoidable social functions at which there will inevitably be lots of people. Lots of people that you will then have to meet. To be quite honest with you, this freaks me the crap out. And would you believe I'm about a million times better than I used to be? I've been working on it. Really and truly. And yet I know that the majority of that effort is not visible from the outside. My husband's support has been my lifeline. Making the jump into a military lifestyle would not have been possible for me without him by my side (Moving half way across the country away from everything I've ever known!? Are you freaking kidding me?!). But, as will happen with the military, he will leave. And he has. Now what do I do?
This. This is what I've chosen to do. Putting this out there for you guys, even virtually, is an incredibly difficult step for me to take. I am afraid. But I am also tired. And I need help.
Social anxiety is not a readily visible condition. Often people who have it are perceived as stuck up instead of cripplingly shy. I can attest to it, I have experienced it. This is a horrible truth to face. Believe me. It is incredibly painful to know you are seen this way. And I know that I am.
To anyone and everyone that has actually gotten this far down the page (I put in lots of pictures to break up the awkward... did it help?) and is still reading: I do not hate you. I don't think I've ever really hated anyone really. I probably don't even dislike you. Its actually quite probable that I think you're pretty nice and would like to talk to you. I just don't know how. Thus, it is pretty difficult for me to make close friends. Especially as quickly as the military world moves. If I ever seem normal... Thank you for noticing. I assure you I'm trying REALLY hard and I'm glad its working.
However, when I do not make eye contact or when I drop my side of a conversation... Its not because I do not want to talk to you. I seriously just don't know what to say. My brain is in over load and I cannot form and spit out one cohesive thought. I do not know why this happens... It just does.
When I sit by myself and do not seek out interaction or conversation with others, its not because I'm bored. Its not because I don't want to be there. Its because I truly feel I have nothing interesting to contribute. I wouldn't know where to begin. What to say. What not to say. Who in the world would want to talk to me anyway, I'm the most boring person on the planet?! Yes. I know its illogical. Yes. I know its an overreaction. Yet I still don't know what to do with myself.
To people with kids: I do not hate you. I do not hate your kids. I do not hate you because you have kids. If it seems like I'm avoiding you... its probably because I just wouldn't know what to do with the wiggly little thing. I really have nothing against kids in general. I just have no idea how to interact with them. And being thrust into the time of life when the majority of your peers are having kids left and right... Its awkward. I'm not ready for that part of my life and I feel like that has created an unbreachable gulf between me and... well... most of the people with whom I would ever conceivably have contact. Also, I'm convinced kids can smell fear. Ok, I'm kidding. But also not really...
So why am I telling you this? Why am I baring my soul to the entire internets? What do I expect? Well... nothing really. I don't expect everyone to understand. Or even to care for that matter. I don't expect anyone to make a special effort on my account. But, on the offside chance anyone is reading this... I just hope that after reading... that someone on the outside will at least consider the idea that I'm not the terrible awful mean person I believe people think that I am... that you will know that contrary to the observable evidence before you, that I do not hate you. Or anyone.
And I'm going to go ahead and make the make the egotistical assumption that I cannot be the only one that feels this way. Military spouse or otherwise. I hope that should one of those people happen to read this, they will know they are not alone in their struggle. And I hope that that will give them hope. Perhaps we can band together and celebrate our mutual awkwardness. After all... If everyone is "different", then no one is really. Right?
Thanks for reading.
-Lindsey
As I'm writing this as I'm watching Julie & Julia. Have you guys seen this movie? If you haven't- you should. Love it. Its about a woman named Julie that attempts to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook and blog about the process. Quite inspirational for the blogingly inclined. Yes, I just made up that word. Anyhoo. Great movie. And one of the reasons I wanted to start a blog in the first place. (And really, what woman wouldn't want to be like Meryl Streep?!)
So, I started blogging. If you blog it, they will come? Yeah, that doesn't really work. I blogged... but I think like 5 people read it. Ever. And yet, when I wrote about something very personal... suddenly people were reading. I mean, not a lot of people. No one is going to make a movie of my blog. But still, my 'Confessions of a Socially Awkward Military Spouse' post got more than twice the hits of any other post I've written. Which at this point still doesn't even top 120... But its a start.
So what does this mean? Well, first off I want to thank you for reading. Thank you for taking time out of your day to listen to my ramble and take a peek into the mess inside my head. But why did you read it? I can only guess. Perhaps you just needed some entertainment or perhaps you actually felt a sort of kinship with the subject matter. Or maybe you were just bored. You tell me. Whatever the reason, I'm glad you came. Your warmth and support were absolutely wonderful and, I'm sad to say, unexpected. Its good to have a reminder every now and then that there really are nice people in the world. Sometimes I forget that. So, seriously, thanks.
